1. IT’S OKAY TO BE NOT OKAY!!
Yes. As we raise children, we so often just want them to be these perfect beings..perfect in studies, perfect in sports, perfect in the way they dress, perfect manners and of course perfect emotions. Whereas, in reality, things will not be perfect..most of the times. But we never talk about that aspect. When kids aim for perfection and don’t seem to get that, they feel frustrated. Tell your children that things will not always turn out the way they wanted. And it’s Okay! They may not feel perfect all the time or fully energetic and enthusiastic! And it’s okay!
Don’t make the child feel guilty for feeling ‘A’ particular emotion. For e.g. if he/she feels jealous, don’t just say oh it’s a bad thing, don’t feel that. Instead, reassure them that ‘It’s okay’ if you feel that way, we feel emotions all the time, and then explain how that emotion can be limiting and generate negative energies. First ask them why they feel this way, what exactly is it that they think others have that they don’t. Then go on to explain how by being jealous, you are overlooking the good things in that person, and even limiting your conversations. Tell them, jealousy would only make you feel less about your ownself. Tell them how not being jealous can be more liberating. Give them an example on how you felt the same and then you overcame it yourself following the same methods.
Similarly try the same approach when they feel irritated or low. There will always be a reason..find that out and reassure them that a bad day here and there does not mean anything about them. They are still rockstars!
“REASSURANCE IS KEY”
2. ACKNOWLEDGE AND MANAGE YOUR OWN EMOTIONS:
Like it or not, kids are learning from parents and the environment ALL the time. Well we may or may not control the environment, we can control ourselves. Our kids will only be as good as the adults around them. What they get is what they will give. More importantly, kids’ brains are hardwired in such a way that they learn more from what they see than what we tell them. Understand that we feel emotions for a reason. Don’t just suppress your own emotion by a quick reaction or sleeping over it, instead think about why you felt and what change can that bring in for your good in the future. What is it trying to tell you.
“Happy parents raise happy kids”.
Only when you know and understand your own emotions and know how to control them will you be able to do so for the kids. Your own unaddressed emotions come out as emotional outburst to kids and then its like a ripple effect where kids do the same and it becomes a never ending process. Share with your children at times how you feel in a certain scenario and at the same time how you would deal with it. Be mindful of your response to a child’s emotion, ‘coz that is exactly what he/she will reciprocate with either to you or someone else!!
3. DO NOT BE PRESCRIPTIVE – DO IT WITH THEM
If you don’t follow what you preach, the child loses trust.
“Walk the talk”
Don’t just be prescriptive. Create an environment to do things together. Let the kids know that we’re in this together and what we preach applies to all of us when it comes to emotions. Share a story about a similar situation and how it got solved when you did exactly what you told your child to do.
4. BE FULLY PRESENT
Spend time with your child everyday where you are totally present with your child. Children gauge a distracted mind super easily. And if you are distracted physically or mentally, they won’t express their feelings. Give them at a minimum 1-2 hours of undivided attention everyday. It does not always have to be a conversation. Just ‘being’ around sometimes helps build trust. Leave your gadgets, office tensions in another room and just be. Enjoy what they are doing. If they are watching something, just enjoy it with them, understand where they are going with their thoughts. The moment you give kids undivided attention, they begin to share things and that can help you understand their emotions better so you can help them if they feel stuck.
5. DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU
If you didn’t feel or experience something similar when you were your child’s age, does not mean the child wouldn’t or vice versa. If a child responds in a certain manner which may not be appropriate, that does not mean he or she is trying to target you on something. It purely is a symptom that the child is feeling something but is unsure on how to respond or express. If they are angry or being disrespectful towards you, it doesn’t really mean that they mean to hurt you, it simply means that something is brewing in their minds and they don’t know what that is. May be someone is behaving this way with them. Do not judge or come to a conclusion. Talk. Introspect. Hear them out.
Imagine this. The child was really happy but did not have anyone around to share happiness with. May be you were busy or not around. So the child waits. By the time you were available his happiness is converted to frustration as you weren’t there, so now he misbehaves. Your obvious reaction would be to get angry and may be ask the child to behave. But introspect. Could you deal with this differently. Is it really his/ her fault here?
The moment you change your perspective, you will change how you react to the situation and that will make all the difference!
“When you change the way you look at things, you change the things you look at!” – Dr. Wayne Dyer
6. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE…
There is a reason why communication is the cornerstone of every relationship and it is no different here. Communication is important to build a bond, a connect. Parents are the first point of contact for a child to express and share their feelings. If that link is not established, a child will start feeling lost and may resort to other means to be able to express himself. Don’t make communication a rocket science. It really isn’t. Don’t overcomplicate by thinking which language, what do I say etc.? Just speak from a point where your child sees the world from and not from where you are at your age. Just speak from your heart. Just listen. Create a safe environment for him/ her to be able to share. Do not judge. It’s not about you. Share examples from your life. May be make them up. Kids only have parents to look up to as mentors, coaches, guides and they need that reassurance all the time that the parents are there for them NO MATTER WHAT. Only when the child will be able to communicate what he/ or she feels will you be able to solve for it. So pick up that phone and call them from your office, or make it a point to chat up (dedicatedly, without any disturbance) asking them about THEM!
Kids have a lot to share. But they are sub consciously looking for that safe space.If they feel the doors of communication blocked, they shy away and do not communicate. And that becomes so permanent that as grown ups they loose the importance of communication because deep in their minds they grow up feeling no one will be willing to listen to them.
7. PHYSICAL CONTACT IS A MUST
Okay there. Before you read any further, just quickly run and give your child a hug! Embrace the child. It makes them feel safe and protected, thereby building trust between parent and child. It is scientifically proven that physical touch is essential to children’s growth of physical abilities, language and cognitive skills and social – emotional competency. Oxytocin – also known as the cuddle hormone is released when you are in close contact with another person. It is essential for making strong bonds, and is a key part of why we want to trust people. In a world where they will face enough criticism, judgement, lets give them an environment at home which is trusting and safe.
A quick tip – Whenever your child has a meltdown next time, do not say anything..simply embrace the child for a countdown to 20 and see the difference.
8. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER LABEL THE CHILD
Labelling reinforces the wrong emotion and makes it permanent. Kids and their emotions are in a transition phase all the time. How they feel and behave now will not be the case in a year from now. However, the moment we label them, we make that emotion permanent for life. E.g. if a child has fear of something, don’t label by saying he is a coward, how can you be scared, this is so silly” instead, provide reassurance..you could say “I understand you are scared of XX..you know what I am so scared of XX as well. E.g. I was scared before my big presentation. You know what I did. I made fear my buddy..My fear helped me do a better job..so I researched and rehearsed. And I took deep breaths right before. And you know what, my fear went away and the presentation as great!!But I have tried to overcome my fear by doing XX. May be you can try. It’s okay if you are scared..but lets not make it our weakness that anyone takes advantage of..lets try baby steps..lets try options that can make you feel better.” This way you will teach the child to use fear in a positive manner. Similarly, it could be anger, or disrespect or any other emotion. Instead of labelling and telling the child again and again that he/she has this, talk to them on a positive note and tell them how great they are and that these negative feelings are temporary. Appreciate them for who they are!
“Don’t ever make them feel that they are in this alone”
9. ALWAYS GET TO KNOW THE WHY
Do not judge a child’s behaviour by only looking at the tip of the iceberg. There could be a lot beneath that may not be visible upfront but when you try and understand you will discover. Most of the times we suppress emotions of our children, either by scolding or punishment or shutting them up. If a child misbehaves or says a bad word…we would just end at scolding him/ her. Instead ask – why s/he said what s/he said, where did s/he learn it from, who is s/he playing with, where were you when they learnt these things? Understand the why . If a child is not happy and is throwing tantrums, don’t just snub but take a deep breath, a moment and then embrace the child and understand what is the cause of this. What it does is it helps the child understand his own emotions, and it helps reinforce the belief in the child that as parents you have his/ her back.
Reinforce by saying “ I understand/ agree about what you felt, may be I would have felt the same way, you are not wrong in feeling this way” Once the child knows he is not wrong..then explain why he/ she should not feel that way through a story or examples. A child may not understand always why parents need to be at work. Instead of snubbing them try and explain to them the reasons and how they can be a pillar of support. Children like to be considered responsible. So appreciate them for the support they give you through their own little ways!
10. ALWAYS CELEBRATE HAPPY MOMENTS..THEIRS AND YOURS
While we need to remove negative emotions, positive emotions should always be celebrated and reinforced…and wins should not be measured through your lens. Something may not qualify as a win for you per your age, but may be for the child that is the biggest victory! Appreciation is a human need. It makes the child feel that their existence matters!
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